It appears your browser does not have it turned on. Please see your browser settings for this feature. EMBED for wordpress. Want more? Advanced embedding details, examples, and help! Topics avgn , series , angry video game nerd , cinemassacre , james rolfe , collection , complete , archive , episode , episodes. I hate those fuckin' springs! Ooh, got lucky there Oh, this game is so annoying.
The Nerd: Look at this! I got trapped in some sort of pipe! There's no way down, what I'm trying to do is get on the floor and go under it, but there's a fuckin' spring that comes up. Then there's that damn switch making it go dark. I get bounced all over the place.
Just get down there! The Nerd: I'm surprised, this game is actually really hard. It's one of the hardest I've ever played. Mostly because of this shit right here! You have to bounce on a bunch of springs. Some bounce you up, and some bounce you down. The idea is to not touch the ones that bounce you down or else you die.
But there's no clear distinction! They all look the same. The Nerd: At first there's a pattern. Up, down, up, down, down! That's real nice! So it fuckin' fools you into thinking that there's a pattern, and then it just throws you off! But trying to avoid those down springs is almost impossible! Oh my fuck! Fuck this game. Fuck this fuckin' piece of shit! Oh, man, I'm doing good. Holy shit, I might actually make it! The Nerd: Alright, well, that's enough with that one.
It's time to wrap things up. I got somethin' to blow the lid off the crap barrel. We're livin' on the edge! Honestly, there's not much to say. It's basically an educational tool with some games thrown in. First, there's Pyramid Pursuit. This is the main game. Basically you're exploring a pyramid.
It's a point-and-click game, but not a good one that actually makes you think. This one is a no-brainer. It flat out explains what you're supposed to do. Go this way, go that way. The voices are the fuckest bologna shit you'd ever hear. Anubis: in a labored, monotone voice I'm an idol worshipped by many.
There's someone downstairs who worships me. The Nerd: What is it, a robot? But let me give you a quick tour of the other stuff. First, you have this animated story about Moses.
Male Narrator: Moses trusted God. He knew that no matter what, God would take care of him. The Nerd: Then you have the Playroom. The first thing you notice is the Sing-Along. It's just a bunch of karaoke songs. Child Singer: Moses and me, we've got a choice to make. Leadin' the way. I've got to do it! The Nerd: But tell me, why is "Moses and Me" graffitied on a wall?
Then there's a Slider Puzzle. Nothing to say about that. The Nerd: Then there's the coloring book, and this is where things become really ass! It's kinda like Mario Paint but really hard to control. Seriously, your pointer just jumps all over the place. And what the Hell's going on here?
That's nice. The Nerd: Then there's this Connect the Dots bullshit. If you miss the dot, you get this irritating voice. The Nerd: Is that really necessary? Like, what, are they fucking crazy? Well, anyway, that's about all there is to say about that. The other two games are the same deal. The Nerd: They all have the same puzzle game, sing-along, all that. The only real difference is the main games.
David and Goliath has this board game. The Nerd: It doesn't make much sense because you never see the entire board, so you don't know where Goliath is. That's like if you were playing Monopoly and you put your face up to the game. You never know what's going on. It has a game called Riddler's Race. So was the Riddler in the Bible? The Nerd: So, basically, you're a harpist on your way to play the harp at Samson's wedding.
But there's a bunch of people after you, and if they catch you, you have to answer a Bible riddle. Yep, that's it. The Nerd: Alright, well, I think I'm done. There's not really any more Bible games, or at least ones that actually qualify as games.
It's extremely rare, but all it is is literally the whole Bible on a Game Boy cartridge. So I'm gonna draw the line right there. He thinks Noah's a snake-saving shitsucker. Pee-Wee Herman once saved snakes, but he fainted.
The Nerd: Keep in mind, Noah also has to identify the male and female animals. So how does he have such a keen instinct for this? I mean, I'm no bird expert, but does the toucan exhibit any clear signs of its gender? If it's a female, does Noah look at it and think to himself, "Look at the cans on that toucan! The Nerd: The graphics are dull. There's so much brown. The ark is brown, the trees are brown, why does everything gotta be the color of shit?
It might as well be shit. Yeah, those trees in the background are like logs of shit comin' out of God's ass. It's holy shit. The Nerd: Things get all fucked up at Level 3, you gotta start collecting 7 of each animal. Are you kidding me? The Nerd: The monkeys, I hate 'em, they're so fuckin' hard to catch.
I'm gonna get you, you stupid monkey. Yeah, whatever it takes, fuckface. You're slime. You're filth. I'm gonna rip you apart. Oh, and you're actually not supposed to save the monkeys, you're supposed to get the fruit that they're throwing! Really, how was I supposed to guess that? So the monkeys ARE supposed to drown in the flood after all.
The Nerd; One of the worst things about this game is that Noah needs to visually inspect every animal you catch. It's not enough that the inventory is on the screen clear as day! But no, you gotta watch every single animal run into the ark, one after another. Imagine if in Super Mario Bros. The Nerd: I can't believe I actually decided to play through this whole game. I was curious about the ending, and it's not worth braggin' about. It's just a suitcase floatin' in the sewers.
Oh wait, that's supposed to be the ark with the flood. It rests on the mountain top, and that's it. I could end things now, but I really don't want there to ever be a Bible Games 4 , so there's one little bit of unfinished business: an NES game called King of Kings. The Nerd: I already reviewed this as part of my first Bible Games episode. That means it's the only Christmas game. Isn't that the whole reason I did this in December? Why did I do all these other Bible games? I guess when it comes to bad games, I go above and beyond.
All I said was, "It's bad. Every pixel in this game is a sin. First of all, I don't get the title. Flight to Egypt? You're not flying, you're riding on a donkey, or an ass if you prefer. What airline is this? Ass Express? And yes, I know the word "flight" doesn't necessarily mean aviation, but hey, it's a fuckin' joke. The Nerd: Your only attack is this embarrassing dinky little kick which can't harm anything unless it's right up in your ass.
Or should I say your ass's ass, not your ass that's sittin' upon the ass. The Nerd: I guess you're supposed to be on a mountain because you're always moving upward. You'd think you're moving right horizontally, but really you're on an upward slant spiraling around, so if you fall down you're actually backtracking to where you just were. Isn't that weird? And what's with all the ice stages?
You're supposed to be going to Egypt. Did you get sidetracked on the fuckin' North Pole? The Nerd: When you collect health, it only counts if you're able to answer a Bible question.
And here's a tip: any time it's a "True or False" question, if it has anything to do with killing, then it's always true. The Nerd: There's not much else to say about this shit heap. I might as well just leave it at "it's bad. At least, we could check out the ending.
The Nerd: And Did anything else happen? Did the angel say anything?
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